. the election center has full capabilities through a protest we call cross screen transferability which allows us to recontexturallize our real time info for monitorrization. jon, there's no denying that is now physically bigger, you can't deny that. [laughter] >> jon: it is bigger and appears to be somewhat useless. >> i'm not even done, jon. watch this. i found click, boom. okay, real time insta instagram. it doesn't even stop. i just tweak it again while simultaneously posting that image. so if you go to one of those places you can see this image, the one dwreur you'r you're seew here later somewhere else. don't tell me it's alive and kicking my friend. i will be here all night. [crowd cheering] >> jon: we've got an awful lot. we'll check back in with john oliver. the combination of a decades long battle between governor mitt romney of massachusetts and current president barack obama saying from m nairobi. jessica, we'll start with you default scribe the mood that obama had described in chicago. >> it's intense, jon, everyone is glued to their computers and smart phones. >> jon: checking

already lost the election that can't help. but of course florida is still being counted. so folks i got to till, i am still hanging in there and i'm checking for updates on the campaign's i'm with mitt app. okay. it still works. and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for mitt romney. i tweeted this one today. (laughter) i'm with mitt. then later i tweeted i'm stand being mitt. and eventually i'm in the fetal position with mitt. but ultimately, folks this election only matters so much. real change comes from private citizens making a difference in their local communities. the woman who runs the soup kitchen. teens who clean up a vacant lot. the guy who fishes golf balls out of the pond and sells them back to you at half price. thank you for your service. and every so often we celebrate those heroes on my show. and in a segment we call difference makers. (cheers and applause) and tonight folks, we're doing it again. in our waeninged economy the nations art funding is at an all-time low. leaving many americans to ask who cares. but here in new york's capita

coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for as long as it takes, as long as it takes is the next half hour. you got to be done before the election special, which is a video of a go getting nailed in the crotch by a pumpkin. ( laughter ) that was called an october surprise. i'm being handed a piece of paper, and it is a napkin. this is blank. no wait, it's, wait, it is a tear stained napkin. this is a napkin soaked with liberal tears. that can mean only one thing. ladies and gent

's-- ah, let's do this. um, so, if i have to, i have to. let's talk about the big election. last night, due to the technicality called the constitution, barack obama was re-elected president. though-- ( cheers ) ( applause ) uh. ( bleep ) you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, folks, keep in mind, keep in mind, this was no landslide, folks. it was like a 51-49er, okay. just because obama won the blue states up here, he's the president of all of them now? romney won all that red stuff. why don't we elect our president on square footage, because romney won some big states, folks, whole damn south. louisiana, n'awlins loves mi-rawmnah. but, but, evidently, here's the deal. of the nine key swing states, balm won eight. i don't-- i mean how-- even pennsylvania. despite the fact that after a week of hurricane sandy, thousands of amish remain without power. ( applause ) anyway, anyway, obama won. america is done. it's over! jimmy, roll the credits. ♪ ♪ ( "america the beautiful beauti) ( cheers and applause ) i'll tell you, folks, there's a simple reason why america is over. because last nig

. presidential elections of 2012 is finally over. after two years of relentless poll analysis, electoral map swiping, undecided voter dial testing and being forced to use the word "cuyahoga" in a sentence -- (laughter) -- we can finally take a breather. just relax with a nice soothing cup of camomile breeze and just let it all -- >> do you think it's too early to talk about 2016? we don't think so. (gunshot) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: (bleep) you! i've had it! i'm a human being goddamnit! i have rights! can't we just move on to some other aspect of our lives? not everything is a constant contest for political advantage! america's facing some serious problems! there are times to run and then there are times to govern! we need to come together, let it go, move on, god! (applause) (laughter) so what are the numbers? >> the public policy polling survey asked iowa democrats and republicans last week whond they would like to see as their nominee. for the democrat, hillary clinton the overwhelmingly top pick. 58%. followed by joe biden. for the republicans, their top favorites mike huckabee,

moment of zen >> the president was elected on the basis that he was not romney and romney was a poofy-head >> i'm not sure that's captioning sponsored by comedy c captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! yes, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. i could fly higher than an eagle for you are the wind beneath my wings. nation this has been a tough few weeks for america. first hurricane sandy ravaged the east coast. then obama was re-elected. do you know he is coming for our guns. how will we fight the next hurricane? (laughter) well, on friday, folks, our nation was dealt yet another blow. >> out of nowhere cia director david petraeus resigned after admitting he cheated on his wife. the other woman the person who wrote his biography, paula broadwell. >> stephen: their, he had an affair with his biographer, all-in, it appears-- it a pores that the title

. then obama was re-elected. do you know he is coming for our guns. how will we fight the next hurricane? (laughter) well, on friday, folks, our nation was dealt yet another blow. >> out of nowhere cia director david petraeus resigned after admitting he cheated on his wife. the other woman the person who wrote his biography, paula broadwell. >> stephen: their, he had an affair with his biographer, all-in, it appears-- it a pores that the title of chapter five anaconda-- (laughter) >> stephen: may not refer to a ground offense any afghanistan. whole different type of surge. (laughter) well, folks, this explosive revelation puts every biographer and subject under suspicion. meaning we can now say with some certainty that dora concerns goodwin banged abraham lincoln. i mean just listen-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: just listen to what she said on my show last week. >> it's sexy, don't you think? >> stephen: you mean lincoln or daniel-day lewis. was lincoln sexy? >> i think so and i've been saying it for years but everybody thought i was crazy. >> stephen: you pulitzer prize winning wh

factor in the 2012 election. i might have even founded one, colbert super pac. i don't know if you remember our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> stephen: wow, i'm surprised. i didn't really make that big of a deal of it. (laughter) you see me and everybody else who had a super pac thought we were playas. well, turned out we were scrubbed. jim? >> you had the super pacs spending literally billions of dollars, billions of dollars to defeat the president while the president was re-elected. >> seems like people like karl rove and others who took a lot of money for the super pacs -- >> rove was in denial but you can understand why. his american crossroa crossroads-- according to some foundation just 1.29% of that money went to candidates who actually won. 1.29%. >> you know some of the guys that he took money from are casino owners. they know guy with flat knowses and brass knuckles who going to want to be known what happened with the money. >> stephen: karl's in big trouble. (laughter) they're going to take his thumbs and karl is almost all thumbs. (laughter) (applaus

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